I always viewed graduating from college as something that was going to be freeing, but I am feeling more scared than ever. I sometimes find myself asking others what their plans are after graduation to see if I can steal someone else’s idea (whoa… selfish.)

Along with that though, I’m beginning to see the weaving that God is doing. All the unexplained things are beginning to come together, and though you can’t see the picture I’m painting in my mind of this… believe me, it’s beautiful.

Part of the picture is the two Bible studies I am in. One is with my small group:

[I think I have been so spoiled that I forget that some people don't even have a small group-- not to mention a group that has been together for 4 years, has traveled to Guatemala together, who actually hang out regularly, who can cry together and laugh together... and who have Paulette Neely to lead them in Bible study.] 

Anyways, this semester we’re reading Discipline of Grace . Already I have seen how much this book is going to reveal about the Gospel.

I also get to be in another Bible study on Tuesdays that’s called “Spiritual Formation.” It is also about knowing God better, Knowing myself better, and becoming more like God. A transformation. 

ANYWAYS: I can’t wait to share the stuff I’m learning… I’m sure I’ll be spilling gut about it here.

Vocaloid is a combination of several technologies all put together. The figure is a digital avatar. Computers match lyrics to animation. They can perform any song on a computer.

The computer user can animate the dance moves and singers actions.

The avatar can sing in multiple different languages. and… they actually use real voices as the template for finding a unique voice.

SCHWAT!? I might be a dork, but that is a little bit cool.

Truthfully- I don’t know how I feel about this. If I’m looking at it thru the lens of someone who is good with computers displaying their talent, then this is really cool…

If I look at it as taking away from someone’s singing gift… then I guess I hate it. Either way, it’s happening and I wanted to tell you about it.

Here is an english one:

I’m behind again- I’m aware that I don’t have to make sure everything I do has to be covered on the blog, but I like to stay up-to-date and I always expect myself to do it…. but somehow weeks pass and I don’t write and then all these cool things I could tell you pass by.

I went to Colorado and learned to ski, learned to snowboard, learned to love people better, and learned a little bit about patience.

My little brother moved to Knoxville. I’m scared honestly… I’m scared because when I replay my freshman year at college I realize that there were many opportunities for me to be hurt and make bad decisions… and sometimes I have the thought: “wow.. I barely made it by. I’m so lucky I made it.” Then, I am quickly reminded that God has His hand protecting and surrounding my life long before and then during the time I was at UT. I can trust that God is also going to protect my little brother.

I’ve been learning a lot. I feel like I’ve been thrown into a crash-course on life… so I’m trying to soak it in. I also have found myself journaling like a mad-woman trying to document all the lessons I’m learning so I won’t forget them. Inevitably, I’ll forget them and have to relearn them all… but I might as well try to jot them somewhere.

I’m gonna stop there… I’ve already rambled enough.

I should quit saying that I’m going to blog more… cause maybe I wont. I’m going to try though.

That is enough.

I am an FBI agent.

Oh no you didn’t.

Don’t hate the player, hate the game. 

These are all movie phrases that should be used in EVERYDAY life.

Start using them. Make it your 2012 resolution to use one of these each day.

I’m not kidding.

I’m so serious.

Today I Thought:

College age is weird. Once I was telling shelby about something I was feeling and when I finished telling her she looked confused. I responded with “It must be a college thing.” She says, “No, I think it’s a human thing.”

I just keep figuring out more and more stuff and I feel like I’m going to explode. (Forgive me if I’ve lost you already).

I return to list-making format…

1. I belong in Knoxville and in Murfreesboro. The lies tell me I don’t belong in either place, but the reality is I belong in both.

2. I can’t even see myself going back to Knoxville now that I have been home for 3 weeks, but I know I’ll be back there next week and I’ll feel like it’s home again.

3. I am 1/2 grown and 1/2 a kid. What do I do with that?  (Cue lame Britney Spears song)

4. Choosing happiness is harder than it looks. I’ve preached it for so long and I don’t know if I knew how to do it myself.

5. Paulette (my small group leader) sent a text to the small group freshman year spring break that said: “Have fun. Remember whose you are.”  Remembering that I am His is really difficult.

It’s amazing how much easier things are when I have perspective.

This is shelby:

I then watched 298462 episodes of Parenthood. It was awesome until this happened:

Jessie: “I think I’m going to take a shower before I watch anymore so I can…”

Mom: “Not feel like a loser?”

Jessie: “…feel clean. I was going to say feel clean.”

I failed at making Christmas Cookies. Oh well. I’m not even sad about it.

Then my mom sent me to Papa John’s. (For Christmas Eve dinner my mom had pizza and slushes. She’s the best.)

Papa Johns is Hoppin’ On Christmas Eve

pizza-dough-thrower (who I think was the manager) is yelling at Joyce or whoever in the front of the store answering the phones. She’s also trying to deal with this minister who is so angry that he has waited for 15 minutes. The younger pizza sauce spreader is a smartie-pants who keeps giving away free Sprites to calm the angry customers.  This whole time all I can think is:

I return home to eat the pizza and slushes with Buddy, Tori, and my mom… then I took a 3 hour nap. I woke up thinking, “WONDERFUL, I’ve just slept away the only human-hours of my Christmas Eve.”

Then I remembered that it wasn’t about me. (I hate when I forget that.)

Bet you didn’t know I love this movie.

I don’t have a lot to blog about, but I’d really love to point you to some other blogs that speak for me:

Lindsey :: this is my right-brained sister. She thinks like me, but she blogs like a poet (unlike my rambling). Read it!

Chelcie :: has a beautiful heart. You can tell whose her heart is by the way she writes. Read about our Chick-Fil-A experience on her blog!

Mr. Jim :: this is a man from Knoxville who writes beautifully and actually  put together and wrote in a book that I use for my time with the Lord during Advent season. It’s safe to say a lot of you already follow his blog, but if you don’t… you should.

Today’s Letters :: The other day I was watching “Failure to Launch” and Matthew McConaughey says, “I love love.” I felt betrayed. That is my line! I thought I coined that!? But I didn’t. ANYWAYS. This blog is wonderful and the music they like, I love…

I want to write my thoughts on this, but I have promised myself to never blog when I don’t think my mind is right. You may be thinking: “Well, you’ve broken that promise a few times.” and you’re right… but today i’m going to keep it.

I just arrived home for Christmas break and I had to park in front of the house. As I get out of the car I realize I have to walk around this big ole’ tree. It has grown a ton. It’s still a weeny compared to some oaks, but it’s amazing how big the trunk has gotten.

I want people to think I’m not the dramatic type of person who expects their life to be like some artistic indy film…. but when stuff like that happens all the sudden this song plays in my head and my life becomes a movie.

Hopefully I’ll be blogging more over break now that I don’t have ANY MORE SCHOOL TO WORRY ABOUT… until January 11.

So last Sunday began the Advent season. I don’t think I quite understood it until last year, so this year I literally was counting down days till I could start this “Red Advent Book.”

Today as I read 2 Corinthians 5:1-10, specifically this:

⁵ Now He who prepared us for this very purpose is God, whogave to us the Spirit as a pledge. ⁶ Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord— ⁷ for we walk by faith, not by sight— ⁸ we are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord. ⁹Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him.

I’m thinking… this ties perfectly to something I’ve been thinking on this weekend (advise given to me by a sweet friend):

Jessie, You have to be Jessie. My title can’t be found in what I am to other people. I have a feeling I will be learning this lesson for the rest of my life. Friend also told me that I have to love others for who they are and not who they are for me. This will be difficult.

Along with this thought- I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I carry with me, as Jessie. Then I read this in the Red Book:

We view our pain as the absence of God’s answer instead of the presence of it.

When we trace our longing back to its source we find the wounded-by-love heart of God.

Without longing we cannot enter into the fullness of His love.

I’d better stop before I re-type the whole book. It’s just so wonderful and hopeful for me to think that God’s heart is wounded-by-love too. That’s where we get this from.

ANYWAYS… It has been a while since I’ve blogged. and I feel like I’m doing it again: I’m raking together all the information I can and holding on to all of it, trying not to forget anything… maybe i’m missing the season all together. I hope not.